Lets go back in time again to what I wrote originally in ‘The English People and I’.

This is the post that followed ‘How I got here’ 

I left on a beautiful day but at soon as I got close to England all you could see from the plane was clouds…the great English weather…
My supervisor picked me up at the train station in Milton Keynes and showed me around. I managed to find a place to stay immediately which was fantastic! One less thing to worry about. The house is within walking distance from the university and was shared between me and two other students from the OU (not to mention 2 cats and 2 guinea pigs). I went to the university and got introduced to just about every person we saw. They were all very friendly and helpful! The department looked fantastic as well!
But immediately I got the impression I wasn’t at a ‘normal’ city and at a ‘normal’ university.
Milton Keynes is a city built almost from scratch a few decades ago. It has a new and small town centre which consists mainly of a huge shopping centre and a couple of clubs and pubs. This centre is surrounded by estates hidden from the grid system of roads by trees and bushes and with a lot of green fields in between. In future posts this will be properly commented on.
The Open University as the name says is a long distance university. The only students present on campus are PhD. students (a couple of hundreds of them). The remaining people are staff.
As I was saying I was expected at the OU and as soon as I arrived I was presented with a full file about me and only had to sign 3 or 4 papers to make things official. I was impressed!! In Portugal it would take ages going from place to place and signing all kinds of different papers and I would be completely on my own! God bless my supervisor! Anyway, that seemed like a very good start!

It didn’t snow in Lisbon for 50 years. I’ve never seen snow before last year, here in England.

Last year it snowed in Lisbon! For the first time in 50 years! and I wasn’t there. I was in England where it didn’t snow till later. This year, It snows again in Lisbon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two years in a row! and I’m not there again!!!!!!

Becca, Olly, Russ and I went out for dinner. By some strange reason, we ended up talking about children’s names At some point, someone comes up with the idea of calling your son dad, and your daughter mum. We ended up laughing until we cryed! Think of the possibilities for jokes! Here are some of the examples of what we came up with:

Come on dad, it’s time to change your nappie.

We didn’t sleep last night,  mum crawled into our bed.

I wrote this post some time ago; I’ve been writing my experiences for some time now. I wrote this when some things happened at the time with me, and when I came to know some things that happened in the past to some other people. It really upset me at the time and I was actually thinking of going back to Portugal.

Recently, however, some things happened that made me think this would be an appropriate time to publish the post.

The recent events didn’t happen to me, but to people I know. They were so bad that I was and am profoundly shocked. I will not give details of what happened (at least a the moment) but I can say that it is related more to the middle part of the post (it seems to happen a lot, the story repeating it self over and over), while my personal experience has to do with the first part. Here it goes:

I have met some messed up people in this country! Maybe I just met the most messed up and they don’t represent the rest of the country, but from what I’ve seen, they are really messed up! I mean, my friends in Portugal are far from perfect. They are messed up as well (I’m one of the worst); some have depression, need therapy, some have a problem with drugs, some with alcohol, all kinds. But here… I’ve met people here I thought only existed on films! Maybe it’s just because before I was in a big city and I could choose who my friends were. Here, it’s a very small place and you have to live with who ever is here and no chance of escaping…

I’ve met people here who are only happy with other people’s misery, that actually make the effort of planning and doing everything to ruin other peoples lives even if they don’t know them.

People who are such idiots that don’t seem to be able to do anything right, who don’t respect other people’s feelings and who seem not to have a brain at all (and they have a big IQ).

People who cheat on partners, who cheat on friends, to a point you actually wonder how they can live with themselves. A lot of people here seem to not have any sense of what is right or wrong, no sense of family, friendship, commitment, or decency. People who have no consideration for others even for the people who love them. Some don’t even seem to be human. This is all very confusing for me. It’s hard to understand how people can be like this…

And of course, maybe because of all this, I’ve met people with such low self-esteem. These are the good people… and maybe they have low self-esteem because they can’t deal with the others…

And in the end, I’m in the middle of it. And how do you deal with it? I have no idea!!! It doesn’t seem normal to me. The only thing that can be done is to expect everything from everyone. And that is very sad. Not a good way to live. Get me out of here!!!!
I want to go home!!!

It is interesting to notice that some of the people are involved in all the above but sometimes with different roles. But at the same time, the things happened with a lot of other people in completely different situations, with nothing to do with the just mentioned.

I will just say: I am shocked that these things happen. It is completely out of order! It makes you think if you should trust people…

As the previous post and its comments were a bit confusing, I asked Dan (a Lawyer) to clarify his post and tell me what the law is in England. The answer is on a comment in the previous post but i think it deserved a post of its own:

Cat has asked me to attempt to clarify the English law on abortion as I confused her with my previous post…

As alluded to in my previous post the law is different, at least in practice, for voluntary abortions and medical:

In either situation 2 doctors must agree that the relevant criteria are met.

Where there is a risk to the life or mental or physical health of the pregnant woman, or if the child would be born with severe abnormalities, or in an emergency situation, an abortion is lawful at any time in the pregnancy. (There are several different definitions of these situations in the Abortion Act but they are all roughly the same).

The other situation in which an abortion is lawful is limited to the first 24 weeks of pregnancy. Under this ground an abortion is permitted where the risk to the mental or physical health of the pregnant woman, or of her children or family, is greater if she does not have the abortion than if she does. The practical effect of this is that if a woman requests an abortion within the first 24 weeks this is likely to be granted due to the effect on her mental health and social/economic situation of having a baby.

Hopefully that is a bit clearer. There are 7 separate grounds for an abortion in the act but I have simplified them slightly.

Readers from Portugal may be interested to note that attitudes to abortion over here are tightening and there is a lot of pressure for the time limit for non emergency abortions to be reduced to 20 weeks or even less.

Dan

PS: disclaimer – please do not take this as legal advice and act upon it – I do not want to be sued for negligence

PS PS: I don’t know off the top of my head what the law on this is in Scotland but I am pretty certain that it is harder to get an abortion in Northern Ireland, although not as difficult as it is in the Republic of Ireland from where I believe people have been known to come to the UK to obtain abortions

So voluntary abortion is legal in England to a limit of 24 weeks of pregnancy-a lot later than what is being voted in Portugal; even if it gets reduced to 20 weeks it’s still double the time. Everyone is likely to be able to have one as the fact that the mother being forced to have an undesired baby will affect her mental health and jeopardise the future of the baby. All under the law. I keep my 10000 points to England and, as Vanda said, hope I will say the same for Portugal in February.

In England, abortion is legal(!) under certain circumstances-with practical effects similar to the ones the ‘Yes’ movement is fighting for in Portugal.

In Portugal it seems like the ‘no’ on the referendum will win again, and women will continue risking their health and their lives, and with the fear that at any moment they can be arrested and humiliated.

I don’t know about you, but I have no doubt which mentality I prefer!

As I said in previous posts, the purpose of the blog was to write about my experiences in England. And I had written a few ‘posts’ already, but things happened in the mean time that I thought were important to post here. So now I go back to what I wrote initially, and this is the post that follows ‘In the beginning’.

My life in Portugal was what you may call a ‘normal’ life. School, friends, family, with all its ups and downs. Never travelled much, with the exception of some trips to Spain and a 2 week holiday in the south of England and Ireland about a decade ago.

I graduated in geology at Lisbon University. As in any other science course (in Portugal) it was difficult if not impossible to find a job related to what I’ve studied. So for 4 or 5 years I struggled to pay the bills having all kinds of different jobs. I finally got the opportunity to work in something I never thought possible: got a scholarship to study Mars! I couldn’t believe it! Studying space is something you dream of as a kid but then realise it is impossible especially if you live in Portugal… It was a great experience, although with some problems related to how things work (or don’t work) in Portugal. While I was working there I found out about a position for a PhD working with comets and interstellar dust at a university in England. It sounded great! Not only would I have the opportunity to do a PhD without a masters degree (Universities work in a different way in England and Portugal so I had enough years of university to be considered as having a masters degree) I would also be paid to do it!!!!  And well paid as well! (Would you ever dream of that happening in Portugal?).  Anyway, I applied because there was nothing to lose but never really thought I would get it. After a few weeks, on a Saturday, I got a phone call from England. I was still sleeping so it was all a bit confusing… In the end I was told that I was expected one month later at the Open University in Milton Keynes! I couldn’t believe it! I was going to England!! And work with the best!

I was thrilled but at the same time terrified. As I said, I never left the country. I was leaving my friends and family and going to a different country alone, where I knew no one. Nevertheless, I thought it was an opportunity I couldn’t miss, and so after a lot of good bye parties and painful breaking up problems which are not to be discussed here, I left for England on a beautiful day in October.

Some time ago, Russ invited me to spend Christmas with him and his family. I decided to accept, as my family doesn’t really celebrate Christmas any more. All my grand parents are dead and my parents haven’t spoken to each other for 15 years so we stopped doing these family things some time ago. What usually happens, if I’m not invited for something else, is me waiting for my friends to finish with their families and then we all go out for some drinks.

I thought it would be interesting to experience the traditional English Christmas and compare it with the Portuguese. We decided to spend Christmas with his family and then go to Portugal for the New Year and everybody would be happy.

And so it was! I drove to Derby to meet Russ and his family. The trip was almost uneventful, with the exception of a bit of traffic and my car starting to behave silly. I thought, at some point, that I wasn’t going to reach my destination.

The main difference between the countries is the actual day they celebrate Christmas. In Portugal, the important meal is the dinner of the 24th. We traditionally eat cod fish (or some other fish in my case). People are not allowed/supposed to eat meat. We have a lot of traditional sweets as well: Filhoses, coscurões (é assim q se escreve?), sonhos, rabanadas, broas de mel, etc. We then open the presents after midnight. In England, the big day is the 25th: They open the presents first thing in the morning, and then have the big turkey at lunch (which has been in the oven since before the present opening action). The afternoon is spent stuffing yourself with delicious food (as the night before, in Portugal), and the next few months trying to get rid of the extra weight. Other small differences are that, in Portugal, we leave a shoe and not a stocking on the chimney (as a child of course), and it’s baby Jesus who brings the presents. This was tradition when I was a child. Now everyone talks about Santa Claus

Anyway, I had a wonderful time! Russ’ family were great and made me feel at home. I was only uncomfortable with the babies. People who know me, know that they are like kryptonite for me. I almost didn’t see Maddy (she’s only a few week old) but Noah (15 months old) followed me around and in the end convinced me that holding him wasn’t actually unpleasant. I must point out that Noah is not like any baby I met. He is the nicest ever. Always smiling and being funny and nice. He only cried for a bit but had really strong reasons for that (teeth).

I had very good presents: This site, as explained before, coffee, U2 CD, chocolates, oils, and a box of mashed potatoes from my boyfriend! Don’t ask…

We drove back to MK, I renewed the amount of clothes in my bag, we got on the coach to the airport, got on the plane and we were in Portugal.

As soon as we got out of the airport we realised we didn’t need our coats: 19 ºC!! My father and Maria drove us to a little village in the southwest coast were I used to spend fantastic Summers, and there we met with Vanda and Rui and stayed at their’s until the 2nd. New Year’s was on the beach with champagne and hundreds of very happy people.

Back in Lisbon the usual thing: trying to see as many people as possible and rest at the same time. I’m sure that Russ will write a post with his opinion about the trip

We flew back on the 6th and, for me, a week too soon. I really didn’t want to come back to England this time.

There’s no place like home!!!!

Edit: This is just a small summary of the traditions. Feel free to point out any other differences that I may have left out

I was happy to see people expressing their thoughts. I was particularly happy with Nocas’ and Patinha’s comments. And also especially happy because even people that I don’t know left their opinion.

This was exactly what I wanted from this post.

First I want to make a public apology to my friend Vanda whom I mention in the previous post. I made a mistake by saying that she called people idiots when in fact that was just what I felt she was saying. She criticized the book and the people who bought it and that led me to feel hurt and offended by it (she is one of the very few people who’s opinion is actually very important to me). The fact is that, at the time as well as now, I think the important thing is that people do things, and not their methods (as long as they don’t hurt anybody). I must say that Vanda stopped smoking as well a couple of month ago without the book and that she has been using her will power to do it (It didn’t work for me though). I wish we both look back in 30 years and think how silly we were until we stopped smoking.

After the apologies, the comments. After a few comments I realised that I achieved what I wanted with this post: to make people talk about it and change opinions. It is not my intention to say that this is wrong and that is right. The only thing I can do is give my opinion as well. I wanted to write about my experiences in England so that both cultures could learn a bit more about each other (not despising the fact that I am Portuguese and that I will always prefer my country). What I didn’t know was that smoking would be the first subject.

I was happy to see Nocas’ comment because she was the first to mention what I wrote in the post: ‘Is it a matter of how smokers and non smokers think?’ And Patinha mentioned that Mediterranean people have similar cultures and that they are very different from the remaining countries. My opinion is: It has to do with everything. I think the main reason is that smokers and non smokers do think differently as Nocas said. Most of my English friends never smoked. They don’t know how it is to be addicted and so they see the health adverts (whilst smokers avoid them) and when they finally realise you are not killing your self anymore they are truly happy. Smokers however know how it is to be addicted. Most of them have tried to quit and failed. So they are a bit more cynical when someone stops. They will believe it after you’ve been a non smoker for 30 years and have not gone back to smoking. The fact that smoking is less accepted in England than it is in Portugal plays an important role ( I felt even less comfortable here for being a smoker. One one hand I felt more miserable about smoking, on the other I felt less compiled to quit because they were always nagging me). And that the fact that countries like Portugal and Spain are more relaxed and less strict than England is also true. So I think in the end everything is important.

I was even happier to see that people I don’t know also left a comment. I will translate part of it and reply here (please forgive me if I make mistakes and let me know).

Paulo congratulates me as I think it is important to me that people do so. He never smoked and says that people need motivation and will power to stop. Maybe mine was the book but it was also up to me. He agrees that self aid books make their authors rich at the cost of people with low self esteem. He also says that the difference in attitude is not the culture but the differences between smokers and non smokers.

Bruno asks if I think it was the book or my will power that made stop and asks me to explain better what the differences in reactions between the Portuguese and the English were (I believe I answered that above). He thinks that there are many differences between cultures. Especially when Americans and English are concerned. ( I agree. They seem to be very proud of that. But that will be commented on later posts). He finishes by saying that he wishes that he also stops smoking.

About the book. As I said before I never believed in these books. To be honest I still don’t. I assume the same as many other people: they are there to take advantage of people with low self esteem. I decided to read this one because I tried to stop smoking many times before and failed. And after hearing so many people saying it works and it was actually easy I became curious. Lets be honest, the reason why so many smokers fail to quit is because it is hard! And the majority goes to hell and back with the withdrawal pangs. And they eventually give up and go back to smoking. These people and this book were saying that it worked exactly because it was easy to quit. I was curious. As I said I am analysing the psychology behind the success of the book. As Russ said, the book said nothing that I didn’t actually know. And as I read it I realise that the author uses psychology to convince the reader that he will actually stop and convinces him that it will be easy! To the point that at the end of the book we actually believe it is easy and feel it is easy, removing the fear of pain that made us not be successful before. Don’t people pay as well to go to appointments with psychiatrists (and a lot more that £10) so that they can help them with their depressions and other problems in life? The doctor doesn’t tell you you are depressed and that you have to get out of it. You know that already! That is why you went there in the first place! In each session he leads you to find the ways to deal with it. And makes you see things differently. And to make your way out of your problems. And that is what the book does. It is like an approach to psychology by an amateur who read a bit about it and applied it to stop smoking. Yes it was the fact that I wanted to stop that made me stop. But it was the book that made it a lot easier for me and that made me not be miserable at every second because I want a cigarette and I can’t have it.

Quitting smoking is a very important step in our life. It may actually save it! And when I say your friends should give you support it is precisely because it is a very important step. And I think most people agree with me when I say support from you closest friends is very important and that if they do the opposite, it makes things a lot more difficult. It is not important for me that people I don’t know congratulate me. It is important for me that my close friends are happy for me and tell me that. No need to have a party but a few words are always nice.

I am not saying that I believe in these books and that I am going to buy all of them and all my problems will be solved. But if someone says that a book is good I will wait until I read it to make my mind about it and judge for my self if it’s good or not. This one helped me and in the end that is what I find important:I did stop! And again, I’m not saying you should buy it. I just left my experience here and want people to share their opinions. That is how we learn.

Keep commenting!

Before posting about Christmas and New Year, I decided I should post about something very important that happened in my life: I stopped smoking!

After 12 years of addiction and slavery, I finally stopped! Last Tuesday, January, 2nd (you can ask Russ for the precise hour and minute) I smoked my last cigarette. New years resolution you may say. Not really… That was just a coincidence. How did I do it then? You probably won’t believe me, as some of my friends and family didn’t. The truth is: I read a book! I will explain and try not to write the longest post in history. I was in Derby for Christmas with Russ and at some point Phil came to visit. We went shopping and a book store was in our route. At some point I lost Russ. After looking for him in three floors I found him sitting on the floor in a hidden corner looking at a book. I later realised it was the only one left and that Russ found it by chance in a dark corner. The book was called (and most of my English friends probably heard of it) ‘Allen Carr’s easy way to stop smoking’. I looked at Russ as if asking: ‘ Do you really think I believe a book is going to make me stop?’ He said: ‘I heard from a friend that this actually worked with him and with other people he knows. It’s only £10 and you have nothing to loose in reading it’. Then, this random woman looking at some books nearby starts talking to us saying: ‘I used to smoke 40 a day before I read the book. It worked for me and for a lot of people who work with me. You should try it.’ And I took the book home.

As many of you, I really don’t believe in these crappy books on ‘how to do this in 10 steps’ and ‘how to do that the easy way’. But I had an open mind and decided to try. As soon as I read the first pages I realised this was different. The guy actually used to be a heavy smoker and knew exactly how smokers think and act (that is one of his secrets of success). I said to Russ that he should read the book with me to understand how we think and to realise that he was having the wrong approach with me.He was actually having the opposite effect when he tried to convince me to stop. I won’t tell you the details here but I can tell you that soon after we started I realised there was a strong possibility of working. And in the end it did! I stopped! And it didn’t hurt. It was actually so much easier than I thought! And I feel great! I am so happy I stopped it is impossible to describe. It was not as easy as he claims but a lot easier than I imagined. NOTE: Obviously you have to be motivated and actually want to stop for it to work.

I felt the need for the nicotine several times (now most of it as left my body) so I decided I should read the book again just to be sure. I realised I didn’t need to read the book. The part where he tells you how to think to make you feel happy instead of miserable when you want a cigarette was working. But I have scientific brain (and it’s getting worse each day) and I started dissecting the book and analysing the techniques he uses. They are actually very clever. He must have had help from someone who knows how the human brain acts because the way it is written is actually genius. That is why it works! If you want to know more about my conclusions ask me. If i write them here it WILL be the longest post in history.

Finally I just want to say something about people’s reactions. Russ was absolutely fantastic. He supported me all the way and actually believed a lot more than I did. I was quite sad however that my mother didn’t believe me when I said I stopped (she a heavy smoker as well). A friend told me that it was all a bunch of crap and that these books don’t work and that people are idiots to buy them and make the people who write them rich. I was so happy that I stopped that I thought my friends would be happy for me as well and would support me and I was disappointed when people not only didn’t believe me but they also thought I was silly. The truth is: I did stop! I never want to smoke again! It was actually easy! Even when I was craving for a cigarette because I was still addicted, it wasn’t difficult not to smoke. It was easy and I actually felt happy about it. Happy that I didn’t need to smoke! And to be honest, I would gladly ask for a loan and give the man all the money I would spend on cigarettes for the rest of my life! I would still be winning because I did stop and I’m getting my health back. And if that makes me silly then I’m a happy silly woman. And the truth is, people’s negative reactions won’t put me down, but it would be so much better that my friends were happy with my happiness and trusted me when I said I did stop. I’m not saying you should buy the book. I’m not saying all my friends should stop smoking. You do what you want, I’m not trying to convince you to do anything. If you want to stop use your own methods. If not then don’t. If you ask my advice I’ll give it to you. As simple as that.

And here is the reason why I’m also posting this in the category ‘The English people and I’: The reaction of my English friends was completely different. They found it quite normal it was just a book that made me stop. They believed me and congratulated me and were very happy about it. Interesting bit is: All my English friends are non-smokers. All my Portuguese friends are or were until recently heavy smokers. Is their reaction a coincidence? Is it a matter of culture? Is it a matter of how smokers and non smokers think? I’ll be waiting for your opinions.

I will continue writing posts on how my life changed since I stopped. It’s up to you if you want to read them or if you find them boring or stupid. But I AM happy I stopped and I think I should share that